How to support someone who is struggling with their mental health (without doing yourself harm)

The current increased levels of hostility and uncertainty queer people (particularly trans people) are experiencing right now is impacting on our mental health.  If someone you love is struggling, this blog provides some ideas, aside from therapy, on how to provide help without it becoming harm to yourself (and others).

We help best when we listen to what people actually want and need

When providing support to people we often (well-intentionally) fall at the first hurdle by relying on our own experiences and preferences to inform what we think someone else wants and what would be helpful for them.  Crisis situations aside, be mindful of taking over someone’s autonomy and control and try to listen with an open mind, rather than making assumptions on what people need based on what would be helpful to you.

If the situation is a crisis and someone is in immediate danger and can no longer keep themselves safe call 999 or go to A&E (more information on getting urgent help for mental health from the NHS)

It’s always beneficial to have conversations about what might help in a crisis or a downward spiral on a good day, when we have more access to useful ideas of what might help. That’s not always possible however, and if someone is struggling to think of anything that might help them feel better, offering a menu of options can be useful. Basing this ‘menu’ on things that have helped previously can be useful and backing off and giving someone space should also be an option (aside from in cases where someone is in immediate danger, as above). We often jump into trying to help “fix” things, but something as deceptively simple as listening and letting someone know you care about them and that they matter to you can often be more helpful. You can always ask someone if they are looking for practical advice.

Create a safety plan or an emergency/soothe box

You can use one of the many safety plan templates to develop a resource of people to call, key reminders and things to do in a crisis.  Creating a safety box of grounding objects, photographs, activities, music, important passages in a book etc can be helpful as a kind of mental health first aid kit for when things get particularly difficult.

If someone needs more support than you can provide (or if they need it at a time when you’re not available) then the following helplines and resources might be useful. Community support has been shown to help buffer against minority stress and mind have some useful resources on finding a group in your area.

Providing a safe space and a supportive presence

People tend to overlook the value of providing a safe and supportive presence to someone who is going through crisis, but research in therapy has shown that it can be incredibly helpful.  In therapy informed by Polyvagal Theory we often refer to this as ‘coregulation’, where our emotional state and nervous system is influenced by others.

The state of your own nervous system when you’re supporting someone else can be massively influential.  This is one of the reasons it’s so important to attend to our own feelings, needs and wellbeing when we want to show up for others.

‘Physician, heal thyself’ – Side step co-dependency when helping others

I couldn’t write a post about supporting other people without addressing some things that can go astray.  If you find yourself focusing on someone else, trying to rescue them and take over, whilst completely ignoring your own needs, your stuff might be coming up and getting in the way of being able to offer healthy and effective support.   It might also mean you are neglecting yourself in the process. There can be a lot of valid reasons for this pattern and it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.  Awareness that this might be a tendency for you is a vital first step in restoring the balance.   If this pattern is strong for you, therapy can help you understand the reasons why this is coming up and help you do things differently going forwards. If you’d like some extra support understanding and changing the way you help others, get in touch to book a free 20-minute introductory therapy consultation session.