How to deal with difficult people. 5 strategies for the festive season and beyond

Christmas and difficult people can often go together like….Christmas films and problematic messages about family?! This often happens because the festive season can often bring us into contact with people we’d otherwise avoid, such as your family’s version of Uncle Colm from Derry Girls or Angela from Changing Ends (and a myriad of variations on that theme).  Often the difficult person we’re thrown into contact with is connected to someone you do want to keep having a relationship with.  If this is the case, it might be worth seeing if there are ways you could see this person on their own.

If not, and you’ve got an event coming up where you’re likely to be stuck in a corner talking about an aggressive breeze for hours, I thought it might be helpful to write something to help with dealing with people, so here are 5 strategies that might be helpful.

But first:

Difficult people vs emotionally abusive people

This post centres on how to navigate interactions with people who are difficult, rather than people who are emotionally abusive. Signs that someone is emotionally abusive include name calling, manipulation and gaslighting. If this is something you need help with, the further reading section has some resources you might find useful. 

You are not obliged to deal with a difficult person. 

I want to emphasise that you are not obliged to deal with someone who is difficult and you are allowed to turn down invitations to see them.  This may mean that we have to deal with some feelings of guilt (and if you do, it may be helpful to remember one of my favourite Pete Walker-isms ‘just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong’).  It can be helpful to weigh up your feelings of guilt for saying no against how bad the interaction feels and its negative effect on you.  It’s also worth considering why you are putting what someone else wants above what you want (especially if this is a regular pattern for you). 

Dealing with Difficult People. Strategy 1: Communicate around the behaviour you find difficult

If the person you find difficult is someone you otherwise have a good relationship with, it can be useful to have a conversation about the thing they’re doing which you find annoying, its impact on you and what you would like to change.  The non-violent communication model can be a helpful tool for communicating assertively around these requests (see the further reading section for more information about this approach).  How the person responds to this can tell you a lot about them and your relationship.

Strategy 2: Set boundaries around conversation topics  

There may be particular topics that you don’t want to talk about with this person because it’ll end in an unproductive argument you’ve had multiple times before.  Common examples of this include diet, body image and politics.  It may be helpful to ask yourself honestly how big an issue this is for you, is it that you have fundamentally different values on something which is a deal breaker for you?  If not, and it comes into the category of ‘their views are annoying/different to mine, but I can live with it, I just don’t want to talk about it’ you can communicate that this is a subject you don’t want to discuss, either in advance or during the conversation.

If you don’t feel safe asking someone not to talk about an issue or if they repeatedly keep bringing up a subject you’ve said you don’t want to talk about*, this would be a red flag. 

Strategy 3: Come to the interaction prepared

Relating to strategy 2, as well as identifying subjects you don’t want to talk about, it can also be helpful to come prepared with other subjects you could ask the person about that are more neutral territory.  Do they love to talk about their holidays or a hobby they have? Asking questions about this, or having a list of safer topics you could divert them to, can help you stick to the areas you connect on and avoid the ones you don’t.

Strategy 4: Have an exit strategy/space

It can be helpful to have a place you can go to so you don’t feel stuck, as the feeling of being trapped with someone can set off our sympathetic nervous system’s fight/flight/freeze response. This may be something as simple as moving around the room to chat with other people, or finding a job the host needs help with (this might also gain you Brownie points from the host on occasions like Christmas or dinner parties where there is a lot to do).  If things are really intense, having a break outside, particularly if you can walk, can be helpful.  If that’s not possible, even just taking some time out in the bathroom can be help you re-set.  It can sometimes be useful to have another plan or commitment in place which means you can leave the event after a certain amount of time. Extra points if the activity is something grounding or which you’ll enjoy and be able to look forward to if the interaction does end up being challenging.

Strategy 5: plan alcohol free get-togethers

If the difficult person becomes more difficult after drinking it may be useful to suggest activities that don’t involve alcohol.  You might not have control over this if you’ll be seeing them at an event organised by someone else. This strategy also isn’t meant for if the person has a serious problem with alcohol or alcoholism (see my further reading section for resources on this).

If you’re still struggling to set limits with people or feeling guilt about saying no to spending time with someone you don’t like, therapy can be really helpful. If you’d like to find out more about how I can help you set boundaries and stop people-pleasing, you can book a free 20-minute meeting to find out more.

Further reading – dealing with difficult people

How to recognise unhealthy behaviour in a relationship: https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/ https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/emotional-abuse

Pete Walker – https://www.pete-walker.com/

Non-violent communication https://www.cnvc.org/

Drink Aware have resources if you’re worried about someone else’s drinking https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice-and-support/help-to-support-someone-else/worried-about-someone-elses-drinking#/overview

* exceptions to this can include when the subject directly relates to a problem in your relationship which the person is trying to resolve with you.

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