As therapists, we are taught the vital importance of empathy very early on, because feeling that your therapist is empathic is one of the ‘common factors’ which helps to create positive change, whatever type of therapy is being practiced.
Taking a scroll on social media, it doesn’t exactly seem like we’re being overrun by an empathy epidemic (and I often say that the world would be a better place if more people were more empathic).
So, why am I here writing this blog post and suggesting that there may be a problem?
Because, being very good at empathy but not being very good at boundaries, is a recipe for trouble.
And some people’s early childhood experiences combined with continuing power dynamics around emotional labour, and who is expected to give and receive empathy, sets us up to have strengths and weakness in exactly these areas.
Empathy as a barrier to setting boundaries
What might this dynamic look like in practice? One example is when our empathy and understanding of the difficulties someone is going through, and why they may be behaving in ways that are hurtful, become a barrier to us objecting to their behaviour or distancing ourselves from it. So in practice this might look something like ‘my mum is having a really difficult time at the moment with x, y and z, and she had a really messed up childhood, so when she constantly criticises me I shouldn’t say anything, as that’ll make her feel worse, and she’s having a bad enough time already’.
So, does empathy have a downside? Well, in this example it’s not exactly empathy in itself that’s the problem but what we do with it that counts. As an isolated occurrence, cutting someone slack because of their circumstances isn’t inevitably a bad thing, but when ‘being empathic’ morphs into a pattern where others’ needs, feelings and experiences completely dominate your own, it quickly becomes toxic (or, to answer the original question ‘does empathy have a downside? Yes, when it’s actually codependency’).
What is codependency?
Originating from addition and substance abuse contexts, codependency is a term which was used to describe an addict and their ‘co-dependent’, the partner who based their life around the addiction and the addict, and in doing so enabled their behaviour. Now the term has come to have a broader meaning for other kinds of relationships where one party is overly-reliant on the other. In these relationships the focus is often on the ‘dependant’ as the problem, however this can often gloss over issues which may be prompting the other partner to take the rescuer role.
Learning how to get better at setting boundaries and overcome codependency
The good news is that codependent patterns can be changed and that boundaries and assertiveness are skills which can be developed over time. The first step in overcoming codependency is growing your self-awareness that this might be a pattern for you, so you can begin to start interrupting it. From here you can begin to practice refocusing your attention on yourself. An easy way to do this is to ask yourself ‘What am I feeling right now? What do I need?’
For some of us, to be able to learn these skills in assertiveness or boundaries we sometimes need to process some very difficult stuff around being taught to abandon our own needs, or being punished for trying to say no or set limits. This is whilst also navigating the realities of living in a world where some people are expected to be more accommodating to others and are socially and materially disadvantaged if they are not. This can all be difficult to do alone, and yes, it’s something therapy can really help with.
In the meantime some resources and further reading on empathy, codependency and assertiveness:
Codependency recovery: https://codependencyrecovery.org/
Pete Walker on codependency and the fawn response: https://www.pete-walker.com/codependencyFawnResponse.htm
Kristin Neff Fierce Self-compassion: https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/
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